


Heavy

by LoveIsGone



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 08:03:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7927063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveIsGone/pseuds/LoveIsGone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knew he shouldn't have read the comments online. He never expected them to affect him so much.</p><p>(Cross post at AFF.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heavy

"You should eat something."

Seungri looked up from his phone and smiled, scooting further over on the couch to allow Youngbae to sit next to him. The older man pulled out the contents of the small bag he had been carrying. A couple of sandwiches and two bottles of juice were placed on the coffee table.

"I'm not hungry, hyung," the younger man said, holding his hands away as Youngbae tried to pass him a sandwich, "I appreciate the gesture though."

"Working out isn't going to do you any favors if you don't fuel yourself."

"I had something after the gym."

"What you had wasn't enough."

"Have you been watching me eat?"

"We live together, Seungri. I have eyes."

The younger man gave an exasperated sighed and got up from the sofa, quickly walking out of the apartment before Youngbae could call after him.

-

Seungri liked being at the gym early.

He knew no one would be there and he could work out in peace for as long as he liked without anyone trying to make conversation or feeling self-conscious of what he was doing. Often, he would jump on the treadmill and just run for as long as his lungs and legs could stand.

He told himself that the running was healthy. It was good for his body and mental state. Running was therapeutic, almost meditative. But he knew it was all a lie that he told himself, so he could push himself harder.

As he ran at the highest speed he could handle, practically sprinting, his legs pumping hard, burning lungs drawing in breath, the angry and disappointed voices in his head started to slowly seep in, crowding his head space. As the sweat poured off of him, drenching his clothes and making them cling to his body, the unflattering pictures and comments that followed flashed before his eyes.

He ran, telling himself that this was all a part of his life as an idol.

He ran, trying to convince himself this was an effort to improve himself for the fans.

He ran, as hard as he could, wishing he could escape from all the hurtful words that were flung his way.

He ran and ran, not knowing what else to do, even as his body protested against his efforts.

-

"Have you eaten?" Youngbae walked out from the kitchen, drying his hands on a towel.

"I had a shake after my workout," Seungri lied, trying to give his best smile.

"Go shower, I'll make you something light," the older man said, placing a hand on the younger man's arm, directing him toward the bathroom, "A shake's not enough."

The maknae tried to laugh, pulling away from Youngbae, "I'll get there in my own time, hyung."

Seungri stepped into the bathroom and immediately closed the door, locking it for good measure. As he stripped out of his sweat soaked clothes, he was already running through all the reasons why he couldn't eat what was about to be presented to him. The thought of having more, of putting more food into his body made him feel nauseous as his heart raced in his chest from the apprehension he felt.

-

The stylist's hands were at his waist, measuring tape being pulled snug.

He flinched when he heard a faint 'tsk' escape from the noona's lips. Then the tape was being moved, deft fingers skimming over every part of him. The sound of pen on paper, scratching out the numbers that corresponded with every part of his body made him feel uneasy, nervous.

"Seungri."

His head snapped up, heart hammering in his chest, hearing the sound of concern in the stylist's voice, "Yes?"

"Have you been exercising?"

"Y-yes," he bit his lip, watching the noona's posture. Her arms were crossed and she had a disapproving look on her features.

Anxiety was a throbbing ball in the pit of his stomach.

"You need to stop being so hard on yourself," the stylist finally sighed, glancing at the slip in her hand, "We're going to need to take in some of your clothes."

And though there was a hint of worry etched in those words, he couldn't help the smile that graced his lips.

-

He knew he shouldn't have read the comments online. Nothing good ever came from them. He learned that long ago and he did it anyway.

But he had been curious.

And, honestly, he didn't expect it to hurt so much after all these years.

_He's been eating too much. Maybe he should watch what he puts in his mouth._

He hated that the words could affect him so much. Hated how much of a blow it was to his self confidence despite building up the walls he had through all his years as a trainee.

_Look at that double chin. This photo is terrible._

He hated that those words could strike to the very core of him.

_Chubby panda! Look at how his puffy cheeks stick out._

He hated that they could hurt him in ways he never realized.

He could handle physical pain. He could deal with the problem right in front of him if it was tangible.

But what he was seeing was like an invisible monster, constantly taunting him. He couldn't defend himself. He couldn't lash out.

He hated that he so strongly sought the approval of the public.

He hated that it hurt.

-

"Are you okay?" Youngbae's features were a canvas of worry.

Seungri nodded his head, even as he leaned over, hands on his knees, panting heavily. Dance practice had been going on for several hours and the room was beginning to move in ways that made it seem as if the world were about to flip on its axis. He blinked several times, trying to clear the fog from his head, to ease the ringing in his ears.

"We should take a break," Daesung's voice cut through his thoughts.

He tried to listen, but after that the words started to become a strange jumble of syllables he couldn't put together. He had to sit down and place his head in his hands, dizziness descending on him and making him feel unsteady on his feet.

"Did you eat today?" Jiyong's voice joined in, a warm presence next to him. A gentle hand was placed on his back and it was comforting.

Seungri nodded, the motion making him feel nauseous. He practically gagged.

"Don't lie," Youngbae's voice was back, this time the anger was filtering through, "We live together, Seungri."

He was starting to get sick of that logic coming from Youngbae. He was starting to hate that he couldn't hide his habits because he was in such close proximity with his hyung.

"I'm fine," the maknae breathed, even though he didn't believe the words himself. He was starting to tremble, breaking out into a cold sweat, "Let's keep going."

A wrapper crinkled right next to his ear and he looked up to see Seunghyun holding a granola bar. The oldest's voice was authoritative, unlike his usual self, "Eat this."

"No."

"Seungri!"

"I said no!"

The maknae shot up from where he was seated, the need to get away from the others making him feel claustrophobic. The moment he stood, he instantly regretted his haste. The entire room spun for several seconds and his vision filled with black spots, nearly blinding him.

A chorus of voices rose around him and he heard nothing more.

-

Dehydration.

That was the official diagnosis the doctors gave him.

He glared at the IV bag hanging at his bed side, knowing that any fluid they gave him would only add to the efforts he had been putting toward his routine. Extra liquids would make him retain more weight, making look puffier. He wanted to rip the needle from his arm.

"You need to start taking care of yourself again," Youngbae's voice drew him back to reality.

The older man was ever persistent, sitting there when the others finally left after scolding Seungri.

"I'm fine," the younger man said.

And Youngbae gave a strained laugh.

A suffocating silence filled the room and Seungri wanted to look away from Youngbae's face, but those features, so drawn with sadness and concern held his gaze. Those warm eyes, so caring, penetrating, were looking at him and he couldn't turn away from them even if he tried.

Then the older man was reaching forward, holding Seungri's hand, thumb gently grazing over his knuckles.

"I worry about your hands these days, how thin and cold they've gotten," Youngbae's fingers trailed over Seungri's. The older man's hand trailed upward, fingertips working their way up to the maknae's wrist, "I worry about how small your wrists have gotten, like I can snap them just by holding too tight."

Seungri drew in a shuddering breath at those words, squeezing his eyes shut, "What's your point?"

"You're hurting yourself."

"Hyung."

Youngbae rose from his seat, his hands gently grasping Seungri's face. The younger man froze at the sudden contact, but couldn't pull back before a pair of warm, soft lips were being pressed to his forehead. The maknae shivered, the gesture made warmth flood through his body, rippling out to every limb.

"Please," the older man said, pressing their foreheads together. Their eyes met and Seungri's heart fluttered in his chest, "Stop hurting yourself."

The younger man closed his eyes, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to form, "I'll try."

-

"Hyung!" Seungri frowned, looking through Youngbae's Instagram.

The older man had been liking several very unflattering pictures on the application and he wasn't a fan, especially seeing how public those photos were. Every one of their followers could see those pictures.

"What?" Youngbae asked, poking his head out from the kitchen, eyebrow raised questioningly.

"These photos are terrible!" Seungri held up his phone, showing the other the screen.

The older man laughed, "No, they're not."

"I have a double chin in several of them! And look at the face I'm making! That's so unflattering!"

Youngbae walked out of the kitchen with a tray that held two coffees and a large piece of strawberry cake. Setting it down on the table, he took his place next to Seungri and grabbed the younger man's phone, scrolling through the photos.

The older man smiled at the maknae, "I think these look great."

"That's a lie."

"I'd never lie to you."

And Youngbae wrapped strong arms around Seungri, pulling him close to press a kiss to his cheek.

-

Sometimes, Seungri still found himself hating how he looked, wondering if what the fans said online were all true.

Sometimes, the words were mean and cutting. Often, they left a stinging bite in his heart that throbbed for days on end.

Sometimes, people seemed to make it their job to point out whether he looked like he gained weight or not, calling him fat and sloppy, unfit to be an idol.

But often times, Youngbae was there.

Often, Youngbae would make him smile, make him laugh at the absurdity of some people.

Often, Youngbae would hold him and kiss his forehead.

Kiss his eyelids.

Kiss his nose.

Kiss his lips.

And he'd kiss Youngbae back, allowing the world to fade and recede.

Often, Seungri would realize that none of the negative things mattered when he was in Youngbae's arms, enveloped by the warmth that pushed all of the darkness away.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written a while ago when certain comments started popping up. I also really like the Baeri pairing and had to write something with the two of them.
> 
> This has been edited a bit since I originally posted it on AFF.


End file.
